Hi Darren x
I can relate to the cutting. Havent done it in ages now, but the urge is there, underneath. If that urge surfaces, I find squeezing a ball good, or going for a kick about with a football with my boy...helps get rid of the adrenaline.Playing loud music and having a good old scream/sing is good too. I know what you mean about cutting to FEEL something...its a physical representaion of the turmoil and pain inside us. But you can stop it, if you want. Coming here and VENTING is great, please keep it up!
I was on valium for several years due to agoraphobia and severe panic attacks. They made me feel slightly dopey but didnt cure me. They only mask the problem. You can do without them but need to have a reducing dose organised by your doctor. You CAN be without them. Maybe anti-depressants would be the way to go for you? The SSRIs (Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitors) would be particularly suitable for you I think as they will produce calm feelings without doping you up.
Ok, your not perfect (who is) but you are unique, and valuable. I hope that once circumstances settle for you, you will feel better about yourself. Thanks for sharing your story. Keep posting x
Ps...if I was single and 15 years younger......haha. Youre a good looking lad. You just havent met anyone who deserves you yet. You will, one day x